The Fred and Gunn Variety Hour
by SpecialKay
Summary: When everyone else quits, Amy and J. August have to carry the show, re-named The Fred and Gunn Variety Hour. There's even a Theme song! R+R!
1. theme song

Fred and Gunn Variety Hour theme  
  
A/N there is a tune but since I can't convey it, feel free to create your own- the cornier the better!  
  
Angel's song used to be sad  
  
But now he's gone and we're all glad  
  
Cordelia went up to the powers  
  
So it's the Fred and Gunn Variety Hour  
  
Lorne went off to Las Vegas  
  
Wesley's off sleepin with sluts  
  
The producers said "oh please save us!"  
  
By the way now Connor sucks  
  
So it looks like it is all up to us  
  
It's the Fred and Gunn Variety Hour! 


	2. I Need Oranges

A/N- this story in no way reflects the personalities of anyone on Angel or even how I assume they act, their behavior is merely for my convenience while writing this. Thanks  
  
A/N- a few other things, since this story is about the actors, not characters on the show, here is a guide of who's who:  
  
David=Angel, Charisma=Cordelia, Amy=Fred, J. August=Gunn, Andy=Lorne, Vincent=Connor. Also, the episode mentioned at the beginning of this fanfic was written by David Greenwalt, again the alteration was for my convenience.  
  
  
  
"So is this the series finale or what?" J. August asked as soon as the director called cut.  
  
"No, just a big cliff hanger." Someone yelled from where the crew stood.  
  
"Oh- okay." J. August replied and walked toward his trailer.  
  
However, he only a few steps when Charisma cut him off as she stomped toward the writers.  
  
"Who did this!!!!!?" She screamed, J. August stopped to listen in, this should be good. Charisma held out a copy of the script they had just finished shooting. "Who made me leave? I was about to confess my love for Angel and you make me leave? What idiot thought of that? It was Gellar wasn't it? She still thinks she's got a shot with him doesn't she? I told her on the first season of Buffy that Cordy was destined to get him, but does she listen? No. She gets all ooo, I'm the main character, and then just when our debate got good she has the nerve to say it's just a show and I take things to far. Now WHO WROTE THIS SCRIPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????" Charisma ranted.  
  
A short writer with dark brown hair shrunk back in the corner and tried to slump away. It was too late, she'd spotted him.  
  
"YOU! You did this. I was gonna be dating the guy the show is named after by the end of the season and you ruined it!" She rolled the script up and began to feverishly whack him over the head.  
  
Boy crossed the wrong girl. J. August thought.  
  
"Hey what's going on here?" David Greenwalt jogged toward them.  
  
"He ruined my big love confession!" Charisma shouted, still hitting the writer.  
  
"Hey, Hey. STOP!!!!!!!!" The poor little writer whimpered. "I'll re write the whole thing just let me go." At this point he was literally in tears.  
  
"It's a little late now isn't it?" She said and stormed off. J. August shook his head and began again to walk to his trailer, but was cut off again as Charisma came back to rant again. But to his surprise she only said to words, "I quit." That was it an she walked off. She didn't even look back.  
  
Whoa, guess Amy's the new leading lady. He thought and continued, yet again, to walk to his trailer.  
  
"What was that?" Amy asked, walking away from the hotel set.  
  
"Charisma freaked out again." J. August answered.  
  
"Was it like last time?" Amy asked, genuinely worried.  
  
"Yep, she beat up the writer and then quit." J. August shook his head in shame.  
  
"Wow, that's the third time this week." Amy looked amazed that charisma had beat her own record.  
  
From behind they heard a now familiar laugh. Vincent was closing in on them, they started to walk away, but it was to late.  
  
"Hey guys!" He yelled, "Wait up!"  
  
"Maybe we can pretend we didn't hear him." J. August suggested.  
  
"No, that would be mean." Amy replied, sounding very much like her TV persona.  
  
"Hi Jay-Jay!" Vincent had caught up with them.  
  
"Hi Vinnie." J. August replied, very disturbed by his new nickname.  
  
"Oh cool, so are we homies or homeboys or whatever now? I mean we have the nicknames and all."  
  
J. August's eyes widened. "Umm… I have to go… umm pray or help poor kids or something. Bye." J. August ran off, glad he was faster than scrawny boy back there. He didn't lie though, Amy would be mad if he did, and he kinda liked her. He prayed to god that Joss would kill Connor off… QUICKLY.  
  
"Okay. See you later. Peace out dogg!" Vincent yelled after him, then turned to Amy Acker who was turning red while trying her best not to laugh.  
  
"Are you okay?" He asked, no longer trying to sound like he was from the "ghetto mid-west".  
  
"I, need… to go." She giggled and ran off.  
  
David stormed in. The plot thickens.  
  
"Who the he-?" David started.  
  
"No cursing please." Any reminded from the table she had settled at.  
  
"Sorry, who the heck wrote this!!!!??" He boomed.  
  
This time the writer didn't bother with being subtle. He ran straight off the set and stole a golf cart from some tourists. He zoomed off at top speed, he was in a golf cart so top speed was 5mph, but it was top speed nonetheless.  
  
"I can't work like this! I'm going to be stuck at the bottom of the Atlantic for God only knows how long and I want oranges!!" David screamed.  
  
"No you're not." Amy said after taking a long drink of her apple juice.  
  
"Not what?" David asked, sounding hopeful.  
  
"Going to be stuck at the bottom of the Atlantic."  
  
"Really, what's the twist?" he asked.  
  
"You sunk in the Pacific." Amy explained.  
  
"Shut up banana head!" David yelled.  
  
"Hey Dad, what's wrong?" Vincent said running up to David.  
  
"I'm not you dad." David tried to explain.  
  
"Oh yes you are. It says so right here in the script. 'Angel is Connor's dad'." Vincent held up his proof.  
  
"It's a TV show and that's not a script, it's a napkin you wrote on with a crayon." David yelled.  
  
"So… what's wrong?" Vincent repeated.  
  
"You, you little freak. Everything was fine until you came along. I can't take this. I won't. There are at least two, well one other show that would sign me, well give me an audition in a second. I quit." He stormed off the set Charisma style.  
  
Whoa. Amy thought, sipping at the last of her apple juice. The two stars have quit. Maybe this will be the last season. 


	3. Any Ideas?

J. August continued to walk toward his trailer. His head was still spinning from Charisma's rant only moments before. Plus Vincent was really getting on his nerves. He smiled as his trailer came into sight. He had the rest of the afternoon to rest and there was a pitcher cherry Kool-Aid in his mini-fridge with his name on it. He reached the door and was about to open it when his cell phone rang. He sighed and answered it. "Hi."  
"Hello, Mr. Richards?" came the voice from the other end.  
"Yeah." J. August answered. This was obviously a business call.  
"Mr. Greenwalt and Mr. Whedon have called an emergency cast meeting, they need you to be in room 302 immediately." Before J. August could answer the person had already hung up, and was no doubt already dialing another number.  
J. August waved goodbye to his trailer and his Kool-Aid and started the five- minute walked to room 302. When he got there he saw a large table with chairs all around. Amy, Vincent and Andy were already seated. Vincent was sitting beside Andy and talking a mile a minute. Andy was more focused on scratching his forehead, where some of his make up had been removed. He had apparently been called while they were removing the make up, and the way J. August figured it, this had to be pretty important if they couldn't wait for Andy to finish.  
At the other end of the table Amy was waving to him, indicating that he sit next to her. He smiled and walked quickly toward her. He sat down and asked her "Any idea what's up?"  
Amy gazed around, looking like she belonged in a James Bond movie. "David and Charisma quit. For good, they just stormed out." She explained.  
  
"Whoa, that's not good. Is the show being canceled?"  
"No just changed a bit." Came the all-to-familiar voice of David Greenwalt from behind J. August's shoulder.  
"Okay, I don't mean to be rude or anything but, the show's called ANGEL without Angel you're gonna have to change it more than a bit." J. August pointed out.  
"Well, yes, and that's why we're having this meeting. We want to hear all of you're ideas."  
"My ideas?" J. August sounded skeptical.  
"Not just you, the whole cast. We know we can make this work without David and Charisma, and we want you to help decide. Like one big family."  
"Alright! We're a family. Isn't this great?" Vincent exclaimed.  
"I am not related to that freak. Really or hypothetically, understand?" J. August said in a way that cautioned David to use the word family as a reference again.  
"I think we should just end it tastefully. It lasted three years, that's pretty good-especially for a spin-off." Joss in put.  
"No, we can squeeze at least another season out of it. Even with a cast of grade B actors." Greenwalt argued.  
"Grade B? Boy, that guy is just askin' for trouble." J. August muttered to himself and Amy.  
The next thing they heard was from Joss. "I quit, you can run this into the ground if you want, but it sure won't have my name on it!" And with that Joss stormed out.  
"Sooooo." David continued. "Let's start with the suggestions."  
"Man, I do NOT like the sound of this. I quit too." J. August, starting to stand. His departure was interrupted by more words from Greenwalt.  
"You can't, You're under contract. Sorry." He smiled villainously, and J. August could help but picture him as one of the blood sucking vamps on the show.  
"But David and Charisma did." J. August retorted.  
"They had contracts on a year-to-year basis. Now sit down."  
J. August reluctantly sat back down. Then glanced around the room feeling like a prisoner. Well, he thought, with any luck it'll be canceled real quick so I can end the humility.  
"Any ideas?" David asked again.  
"How about we call it Connor the series?" Vincent suggested.  
"How about no." Andy said, wishing he could leave, this make up was really starting to itch.  
"Ooh, then how about Angel Investigations." Vincent again was the only one with a suggestion.  
"Yeah and that works so well without the Angel part." J. August pointed out.  
"Okay then how about Investigations?" Vincent amended.  
Andy responded by hitting him in the back of the head.  
"Oh, like you have a better suggestion." Vincent said angrily.  
"Almost anything's better than those. We could get better ratings if we made it a Variety Show." Andy answered sarcastically.  
"That's it!!!" David Greenwalt screamed. "An old time variety show, oh people will eat that up."  
"No way am I gonna be in a lame as-"  
Amy coughed to stop the potential curse word.  
"Sorry, lame variety show." J. August finished.  
"Oh yes you are and you'll be the star, you and Amy. We need a title."  
"Oh great now it's the Fred and Gunn Variety Hour." J. August mocked the idea.  
"Exactly. That's a great title. By the way, where's Alexis?" David said in a rush.  
Alexis conveniently walked in a moment later.  
"Sorry I'm late." He said in his British accent.  
"Oh, no problem. We were just discussing the Fred and Gunn Variety Hour." J. August informed him.  
"The what?" Alexis asked in disbelief.  
"It's the show. It's now the Fred and Gunn Variety Hour. David and Charisma quit." J. August explained to the baffled Alexis.  
"And we're stuck with it. We're all under contract." Andy added.  
"I'll have our publicist go straight to work on the ad campaign. You're all dismissed." David allowed them to leave.  
"Thanks, teach." J. August said as he passed Greenwalt on his way out.  
Amy walked up behind him, silently.  
  
"Sorry about the way things turned out in there." J. August tried to comfort her.  
"No, it's okay. I loved variety shows when I was a kid. This might be fun." She said bearing her biggest fake smile.  
"Why are you always so darn cheerful?" J. August asked in a silly loving big brother sort of tone.  
"I don't know, no one else is so I might as well be." She answered.  
"Say, do happen to like cherry Kool-Aid?" J. August asked smiling- only his smile was real.  
"Are you kidding? Who doesn't?" Amy answered in her most 'Duh you should have known that' kinda tone.  
"Well, would you like to join me in my trailer, for some fresh Cherry Kool-Aid?" J. August asked Amy, hoping he didn't sound to hopeful for a yes.  
"I'd love to. Oh and I have home made Rice Krispy bars in my trailer, should I get them?"  
"Of course, maybe if we pile on enough calories, they'll fire us for being too fat." J. August joked, thinking about how it would be impossible for Amy to get fat. Like her character Fred, she could eat and eat and not gain a pound.  
They laughed as they walked side by side on their way to their veg session and the sugar buzz that was sure to come from Amy's Rice Krispy bars and J. August's extra sweet Kool-Aid. 


	4. The Publicist

A/N: I made up the publicist, he's not real. It was two in the morning and J. August was still awake. The sugar buzz from Amy's Rice Crispy bars was still in effect and he was taking his mind off the fact that bouncing off that wall over there sounded like way to good an idea by watching old 80's sitcoms. Right now he was busy with a Who's the Boss marathon. He loved that show. He was still laying on his couch watching the last episode of the Who's the Boss marathon when he realized the sun had rose. He reached to the end table for his nifty Marvin the Martian, glow-in-the-dark, water-proof, life time warranted watch that he always wore. He was obsessed with Marvin the Martian. Any way, when he looked at the flashing digital numbers he saw that is was 7:26 am and jumped up. He had to be at work in 34 minutes! Normally when they finished filming the finale he would have a week off before they shot the opener for the next season, but this time they didn't even have a script and David was in this whole "have the whole cast participate" mode.  
He ran up the stairs to his bed room and changed his clothes quicker than you could say "Speedy Gonzalez". He raced back to the stairs and slid down the banister to save time. He dashed for the door and out to his bright blue truck, he liked his big manly truck, it was cool.  
He sped the whole way to the studio, thanking God that no cops happened to see. He pulled his car into his space right as the alarm on his watch went off indicating that it was 8:00. He jumped out and jogged up to the set. He ran into the coffee girl, named Charlotte, causing her to spill a latte all over her signature Lucky Charms shirt. She was suppose to wear clothes that said "Angel: the Series" all over them, but she didn't. She wore whatever she felt like, except for her socks. Her socks always had Angel the Series written on them in black Sharpie marker.  
  
"Sorry. I'm late and I have to get to room 302 for a conference 2 minutes ago." He apologized.  
"It's okay, I'll just wear the crew shirt like I'm supposed to." She shrugged off the accident.  
"Aren't you burnt or something? Please don't sue me, I have a feeling I'll be out of work in a few months anyway."  
  
"No I'm fine. This latte was for Mr. Greenwalt, he's been such a jerk lately that I was gonna bring him his latte cold, but now I can just say I spilled it and we're out. This is even better." Charlotte smiled and bounced away, her short blonde hair bouncing as she did.  
J. August shook his head and ran to the elevator, he pushed the button about 20 times before he gave up and opted for the stairs. He ran as fast as he could to the 3rd floor. By the time he got there he was panting, despite the fact that he was in fairly good shape. He ran as fast as his tired legs would carry him to room 302. He flung open the door, thinking about how stupid he would feel coming in late.  
"Sorry I'm late." He started to explain his situation when he noticed that the room was empty and there was a note saying the meeting had been move to room 618 and a memo that said: The elevator in this building is broke, please use stairs until further notice.  
Oh great. J. August thought as he read the memo. He headed warily out of the big conference room. He trudged over to the stairs and climbed them slowly. He didn't even remember a 6th floor. He'd heard of it, but he thought it was like when seniors tell freshmen that there's a pool on the fourth floor when there isn't even a fourth floor to begin with. He finally reached the door marked with a 6 and entered.  
  
The hallway that led to room was gray and the floor was cold and concrete, very unlike the nicely painted halls downstairs with the lush blue carpets. When he reached 618 he opened the door, half expecting an empty room with a note that said the meeting was moved to the first floor. Instead he saw everyone sitting silently in a small room that made the hallway he was still half standing in look expertly decorated. The walls were painted a gray that reminded him of day old oatmeal. The good news was that the paint was chipping in several places, revealing the original concrete. There was a solitary light bulb hanging from the ceiling that cast a dim glow over the whole room. The overall effect made J. August feel like he was in a low budget prison movie.  
Amy smiled when she saw him and waved. He walked over and sat on her left.  
"What's with this room?" He asked her immediately.  
"David pitched the new idea to the network, their response was cutting our budget in half and moving us here." Amy explained, trying not to sound too depressed.  
J. August inhaled deeply, but quickly wished he hadn't. The air had a disgusting linger of cigarette smoke, which he detested. "So, what's the meeting about?" He asked, resisting the urge to cough.  
"David said something about a publicist, but he hasn't shown yet." Amy answered.  
J. August looked around to see what everyone else was doing. To Amy's right sat Alexis, who was cleaning his glasses continuously as if he hoped cleaning them enough would make this place look better. Next to him was Andy who was humming the tune to My Heart Will Go On and Andy hated Titanic so he was obviously out of it. Vincent on the other hand was the only one who looked happy. He was listening to his headphones and bobbing his head to the music. J. August wondered what he was listening to, but his thought was cut short when he heard David Greenwalt walk into the room, panting.  
"Are you okay?" Amy asked, genuinely worried. J. August admired the way she always so nice to everybody. He was personally hoping Greenwalt would pass out so they could all go home.  
"I'm-Fine." David said between gasps. A tall man with graying hair entered behind him. "Oh, everyone, I'd like you to meet our new publicist: Jared T."  
Jared was about to introduce himself and J. August was about to ask what kinda mid life crisis name Jared T. was when Vincent started singing "MmmBop, Doo Wop, MmmBop, Yeah!" Naturally everyone looked at him like he was nuts, but at least now J. August knew what he was listening to, and he should have guessed Vincent would be a Hanson fan.  
J. August ignored the still singing Vincent and asked "What kinda name is Jared T.?"  
"That's for me to know and you to find out." Jared said, trying to sound suave and hip, but coming across as more old and fogie. He was wearing a bright orange suit with a lime green tie, you almost needed sun glasses just to look at him.  
"How is this loser gonna help us?" J. August asked Greenwalt.  
"I'm glad you asked." Jared answered for him. "I'm gonna make this show a hit."  
"We were already a hit." J. August informed him rudely. Amy kicked him under the table, he took it as a sign to shut up, so he did.  
"But not as big as you could be. I think the Fred and Gunn Variety Hour is going to be a big-no huge-no MEGA hit!" Jared exclaimed enthusiastically.  
"What experience do you have?" Andy asked with a sigh.  
"One word: Felicity." Jared said proudly.  
"Lemme guess, you're the dude who told he to cut her hair right?" J. August said sarcastically, smiling at his own joke.  
"It looked a lot better in the virtual make over program." Jared said defensively. J. August stopped smiling.  
"Dude, are you serious?" J. August asked, but Jared didn't answer because right after J. August asked his question Alexis spoke.  
"Well surely you've had other experience in being a publicist." He said hopefully.  
"Oh yeah. I worked for a show in my hometown called Fun Times with Sheri and the Gang. It was the biggest hit on the Alaskan public access channel." Jared informed them, beaming with pride.  
"Alaska? You hire a dude from Alaska who told Felicity to cut her hair?!" J. August asked in complete and udder disbelief.  
"I've got some really great ideas for you're show. I've a great theme song in mind, and I think I can get," He looked around, trying to build suspense, "O-town to sing it."  
"O-town?!" Vincent emerged from behind his headphones. "They're the best. They're better than Hanson!" Then he started to sing. "I dream about a girl who's a mix of destiny's child, just a little touch of Madonna's wild style, with Janet Jackson's smile-."  
Alexis cleared his throat.  
"Oh sorry that song might be a little in appropriate." He stopped for a second, thought and then started singing again. "Every six seconds my body starts-."  
"Man, Shut Up!" J. August yelled at the boy-band obsessed freak sitting about four feet away from him.  
"What other ideas have you got for the show?" Andy asked, sounding falsely hopeful.  
"Well I was thinking matching sequenced outfits for the whole cast to where in the opening credits. Every outfit would be a different color. Isn't that great?" He didn't let anyone answer before he started again. "And I'm gonna have you all do interviews in three weeks with all the major magazines. I think I can get the Enquirer to agree to interview you." Jared smiled a big as he could.  
"But, but the Enquirer is a tabloid- isn't it?" Amy asked.  
"Well, yes but its highly read." Jared T. replied.  
David tapped him on the shoulder. "Why don't you call TV guide, Entertainment Weekly, those kind of magazines." He suggested.  
"Well okay but I was just trying to bring some class into this show." Jared answered, sounding very offended and disappointed.  
J. August could already tell he was in for a very long day as he listened to Jared start again. He reclined in his chair, hoping to sleep, but the back fell of with a thud and he hit the ground hard. He stood back up, brushed himself off, sat back down on the remainder of his chair and cursed fate for forcing him to stay awake as Jared began speaking again. 


End file.
